moonstrualcycle | (no subject)

[ Lea still isn't looking at her, and she's resting her chin on her arm, now folded across the back to the chair, so she's more twisted sideways. But she does move her hand onto Isa's, because she's a softie and weenie and enjoys physical attention. ]

Fine. You're right. I am just dumb. Half of it is I don't even know why it pisses me off so much. Think it's really just me being jealous?

[she is a weenie, but that's one of many reasons why Isa loves her.

Isa curls her fingers gratefully around Lea's, and rests her chin in her other hand.]

I think it's that I kept a big secret from you for almost nine years and it wasn't a good secret. And I think it's that you didn't really have anyone to spend time with for most of that, as a friend or otherwise, while I did. I should've been there for you and I wasn't.

Mmngh.

[ She doesn't know what to say, rubbing her forehead hard into her arm for a second before lifting her head and sliding down more into the seat. ]

So what do I do about it now? Since I'm the one with the problem.

You let me continue demonstrating just how much I love you—

[and she brings Lea's hand up so she can smooch it.]

—and unless our Xemnas shows up here, which I highly doubt she will, you don't worry about it. I assure you, the only comparisons I'm making involve whether I'm doing a good job.

[everyone present just imagined that subtle eyebrow wiggle. (Isa may have been spending too much time with Axel.) (this may also be an unconscious echo of how things were with Xemnas, which is probably not as healthy as it could be, but mostly means Lea gets showered in affection and sex, so who's complaining.)]

I don't think you need the ego padding, considering how you're perfect at everything you actually wanna do.

[ Well, and things she didn't want to do but was determined for. ]

Pff, that's a good one. Does being an asshole count for that?

[no really. all she ever wanted was to get her heart back, which ended up not being anything she had control over, and find their friend, which didn't work because Xemnas didn't know where he was either. and none of the things she turned out to be good at were things she wanted to be doing.]

Yes.

[ Big grin for that one. What, you were expecting a different answer? ]

If that's what it takes, anyway. Contrary to popular belief, I don't think that one comes naturally.

Mm, I don't know, I mean. Xigbar. Larxene.

[Riku, even. some people just tend to be assholes. it's not a bad thing, always, and some people overcome it, like Riku did. also don't mind Isa's adoring expression, she just really loves it when Lea does that grin.]

Okay fine, it doesn't come naturally to you. There, I said it. Are you happy now?

[ God, she tries not to be obscenely nice and gushing about her like she usually is, and this is what happens. Riku was totally an asshole kid, by the way. ]

No, but that's on me.

[i know she was, i've seen kh1. /uh. because the thread's stagnating a bit, and because Isa still wants punishment of some sort and is enough of an asshole to try and provoke someone into being mad at her, she's pulling out a topic that she may or may not have come to a realization about while chilling with Axel while everyone was gone. too bad for Lea, because like a cloud blocking the sun, Saïx is suddenly back full-force on Isa's face; the eyes are the only difference. her grip on Lea's hand tightens a bit, to keep her from fleeing ~~like she's so good at~~.]

Tell me, what would you do if I used the word "love" for how I felt about Xemnas?

[ Jerk her hand away is the answer, but she can't with Isa holding it. That was smart of her, and it bothers Lea that she had the foresight to do it. Her expressions flicker very rapidly, even though she tries to cover it up, even though she knows that it's pointless, and Isa will see all of them for what they are — shock, hurt, anger, walled. Just like that, she's cold fire again, closed for business, nails digging into Isa's skin. Is this a test? Are you testing her, Isa? ]

Why, you planning to?

Maybe. I had a lot of time to think, while you were gone. And she l— cared about me, with what little Heart she had, whether you believe it or not, of either of us. I would've known if it was insincere.

[absolutely this is a test, or it was meant to be. Isa raises her other hand and presses her fingertips against her scar, not in the usual way that she does when she's getting a headache, but gentler, like she's reassuring herself it's still there, and like it's important to her (it kind of is). Axel probably never got anything close to the full story about how it happened, and Isa's well aware she probably thinks it was done by force or something.

she lets go of Lea's hand after another couple of seconds, and Saïx slides back out of her expression like an afterthought, leaving her looking bereft and distracted. she played her trap card and then unfortunately sprung it herself; the memories are weighing heavily on her, suddenly, enough so that the reassuring followup i had to that dialogue isn't even occurring to her.]

Great.

[ The only time Lea's ever been good about keeping things under wraps was when she didn't have a Heart. Experience has made her better at hiding anger, but when it comes to feelings of hurt or betrayal they bubble right under the surface. The human equivalent of a pressure cooker with no way to let out steam. She doesn't have a response that won't stall in her throat, so she slides right out of the chair and into a stand, only grabbing the milk to put it back in the fridge. A very convenient task, because if she just leaves into another area of the apartment, like she wants to, she might not be able to resist parting with something truly nasty. ]

[this is so frustrating, she just wants Lea to understand the incredibly strong emotions that were involved, and that's probably never going to happen. there's a very good reason why Isa and ninxel got along so well almost instantly, especially after she was introduced to Hachibi: ]

There's nothing I can say about this that won't make you angry, or hate her even more, but I'm going to try anyway. I had a big crush on her from the start, and then she offered a piece of her own power so I could be stronger. I still have a piece of her in me, Lea, I can't just ignore what it did to me. Being physically close from that point was... necessary.

[if Lea hadn't already gathered, there, it's spelled out; when Isa got her scar is when it all started. like, that exact night. does it still sound like she was coerced? maybe. but she wasn't, which is probably more damning. and if it seems like Isa's fixating on this as a topic of conversation, it's because Xemnas was literally all she had for most of a decade. she explained all this to ninxel and he was like of course, the separate piece became part of you and you couldn't hate it for being there even if you wanted to, i understand completely.]

[ At some point in a couple hours one of them is going to pick up that carton of milk and find both the package deteriorating and the milk itself rancid. Lea is oblivious for now, turning around to look back at Isa with eyebrows raised, a disbelieving, tense, and overall unpleasant smile on her face. ]

Is that so? Well, at least you still know me better than her. You know, since you're saying all of this. Since you're telling me how I'm gonna feel. Must be hard with all that in your head and her too.

[ She is really, really, really upset, in a dangerous, explosive, and not completely healthy way. Her feelings are hurt, whether they should be or not. Her head feels warm and fuzzy, like it's hard to concentrate, like a buzz between her ears. Lea is suddenly aware that she needs to get the fuck out of here right now, and starts 'calmly' heading back around the table for the exit. ]

I can't imagine what you'd need me for, in that case.

[fortunately, this is Isa, who's grown as a person and can be a little more tactful when needed, and not Saix, who enjoyed being a bitter asshole to practically everyone around her. she's upset now too, but not so upset that she can't sort through and summarily discard all of the wrong things to say. "i see you're leaving, something you've always been good at." "this is exactly why we stopped being friends for a long time there." "my (27F) bff (27F) doesn't understand my weird persistent heart connection with our former boss, AITA?"]

You can leave if you want, but it won't change anything.

[okay, maybe not all of the wrong things.]

Fuck. That's... true, but I didn't need to say it like that, I'm sorry. Please don't go.

[the other option here was to get actually upset and gently go pseudo-berserk, but she's not feeling it and neither am i, and frankly it seems like Lea's doing it instead, for good reason.]

[ "Yeah fuck you too" is what she's thinking for the first part, but Isa continues before she has a chance to actually say it out loud. She does stop, at the point where the kitchen blends into the rest of the apartment, turning her head to look — no. She stops before she fully turns around, shoulders low but tense, head tilted down, eyes on the floor. ]

Why not? So you can dump more goods on me? What happened, you get so guilty over keeping secrets you needed to make me feel like—

[ Lea grits her teeth, wiggling the fingers of one hand like she's trying to grasp at something. ]

Forget it. How 'bout you go? You want Xemnas that bad, go find one.

[puzzling. Saix would've gone absolutely apeshit about five minutes ago, but Isa's just feeling sort of empty and sad. empty, for reasons that would piss Lea off more, and sad because this is what it keeps coming to, with them. all they're really good at is hurting each other, this proves it. the snippy retorts are still coming to mind so easily, too—"sure, i'll leave so you can cool off"—but instead of voicing them Isa just pushes her chair back and stands. nothing about this went the way she was hoping, but let's be honest, it was for pretty selfish reasons to begin with, so it's just as well it backfired on her. she's not hurt by Lea's words, because they're true and she deserves it, but...

if Lea's not looking at her, then she won't see that Isa's eyes are wet and her expression miserable as she turns silently and heads for the door, all the fight gone out of her like a deflated balloon.]

[ Oh, she's actually going. Well, fuck, that's not what she wants. Lea's surprised, and wants to stop her, but she's already so far overwhelmed by the heat and anger and hurt that she doesn't move. Let her go, then, since that's more important. Maybe she really will find a Xemnas and this will all be over just as suddenly as it started. It just pisses Lea off more that she's actually walking away, even if that's what she told her to do. ]

Tch. How about next time you just say what you want from the beginning.

[oh sorry, did i say the fight was gone? Isa stops dead, appalled and hurt and so furious she can't even breathe for a moment. the feelings are powerful enough that she takes several seconds to dig her nails into her palms and dial it back a little, because she's right on the edge of something bad, and as angry as she is, she's not going to do that to Lea if she can help it. not ever again.]

If that's how little you think of me, then it's a wonder we were ever friends at all.

[she opens the door and leaves, and doesn't even slam it behind her. unless Lea follows immediately, Isa will be gone for the time being. before that last bit, she was just planning on sitting out front of the apartment building until they both cooled down, but now she's heading further out, probably to run until it stops hurting. she always has her phone on her unless she's sleeping, but she won't be answering it anytime soon.

Axel is available for followup, since apparently he and Isa are also bffs or something.]

[ Nah, she won't be following after her right now. To do so would just be to invite a major fight, and Lea at least recognizes that doing so, even in a state of hurt, wouldn't help anyone. She doesn't try to say anything before Isa leaves, either. Whether that's because she recognizes the need to separate and cool off or what is up for debate.

But, considering who this is, it won't take long for her to come around. This started in the evening. By midnight she's already feeling the itch of abandonment and needing to find her... friend-partner-girlfriend. This is baby's first major fight in an adult relationship, and she's being a little immature about it, so her first try is four unanswered phonecalls once it gets late enough, and a couple texts.

12:43am Hey
12:52am Where are you?
01:23am Fine

When that doesn't work, she tries to get some sleep, but the bed is too big suddenly, and she moves to the couch. After several more hours of tossing and turning, she heads out of the apartment and gets a coffee from a stand occupied by absolutely no one. Being both proactive and inexperienced with this sort of thing ~~and because I think it's more fun than a phonecall~~, she's going to check a place they go often first (a small cafe, perhaps) and then head to Axel and Kai's place. Maybe he knows where she is! And if he does, he'll definitely tell Lea when she shows up around 6:30am with no questions asked. Right? Right. Axel solidarity.

Something tells her she doesn't want Kai involved in this, though, so instead of knocking on the door she plants her ass on the sidewalk and starts blowing up Axel's phone with texts instead.

06:28am Wake up sleeping beauty
06:29am Eggs n bakey and all that
06:29am I need your spidey senses ]

Edited 2022-06-02 23:32 (UTC)

[all his spidey senses are good for here is alerting him that his phone is vibrating at ass o'clock in the morning, sorry. it'll be only a couple of minutes — he has to put some clothes on and slop some coffee in a mug — before Lea hears (or sees, depending on which way she's facing) the front door open. Axel comes yawning out, with Apricot at his heels. he'll just flop down to sit on the grass next to her. wassup?]

[ Sees. She would normally sit facing the road, but since she's on the hunt for Isa (and shhh she doesn't look like she was crying or like she hasn't slept), Lea is expectantly pointed toward the door. It's giving lost puppy vibes. She does eye the bun, because she doesn't trust animals that big even if she has definitely sunk her entire face into that fur at least once.

Anyway. Stay cool, Lea. Don't play your full hand at once or whatever Luxord use to go on about. Look at us chilling here with our mutual coffees and emotional dependencies. ]

You talked to Isa?

Nope.

[he takes a long drink of his coffee and then squints at her. he can tell that she and Isa were both very angry, that Lea is currently both depressed and anxious, and hasn't been in Isa's company in several hours. but he also knows Lea's weird sometimes about how he can tell all of that, so he is also playing it cool, likely with more success than Lea.]

Did something happen?

[Apricot took a quick roll in the grass and then made a beeline for Lea, because he knows when people need comfort.]

[ God fucking dammit. Lea thought they were close enough now that Isa would have at least bitched a little about her to Axel, which would have both possibly left someone with knowledge of where Isa might be, and saved Lea the humiliation of having to explain this to Axel. This is why she didn't go to Riku, dammit!!

Her jaw is tight but she's trying to play it off with a casual grin, though her eyes are on her own coffee, gripped a little too tight. ]

We had a fight last night and now she's not picking up the phone. She didn't say anything to you?

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there's really no reason for this except curiosity and i do want to know the answer :eyes:

evil

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