moonstrualcycle | (no subject)

That's not--

[ The same, she's going to say, but it's close enough. Voicing it would probably just make it look like she's in denial. She bites her tongue a little, then crashes into the seat with her arms folded, avoiding Isa's gaze aftet that look. ]

I mean, it's not like you have anything to worry about if she shows up.

No, because she and I had a calm and honest discussion about how I was wrong to treat her the way I did and that she'd be perfectly justified in hating me as much as I hated her. I offered myself as a punching bag, in fact.

[being punished for her crimes is high up on Isa's wishlist, if you haven't noticed.]

But I'm confused, it's not like you'd have anything to worry about if Xemnas happened to drop in here.

I don't, huh? Because this conversation's starting to make me think otherwise.

[ She's also being petty and jealous and snarky because she's mad, but she is starting to feel worried about it. If it was that major, wouldn't Xemnas still have at least a similar hold over Isa? ]

[not that Isa's aware of. she may still be mistaken about some of the actual motivations involved, but.]

I told you before, she's never done anything to hurt me. What, you think she'd show up and kidnap me? More importantly, do you think I'd let her?

You could put it like that.

[ Kidnapping? Nah, she's not worried about Xemnas taking Isa away from her by force. That's impossible, on multiple levels. She's worried about Isa choosing to leave. ]

Then you're dumber than I've ever previously thought.

[that fell out automatically, sorry; she didn't intend to be that awful at any point during this, and attempts to soften it by reaching across the table to lay her hand palm up, like Lea did ~~almost eight months ago~~ a few minutes ago.]

No matter how I feel or felt previously, I wouldn't leave you.

[she might try and negotiate having two girlfriends, but she wouldn't just run off and leave Lea like that. she's a little hurt Lea thinks there's any chance of it at all.]

[ Lea still isn't looking at her, and she's resting her chin on her arm, now folded across the back to the chair, so she's more twisted sideways. But she does move her hand onto Isa's, because she's a softie and weenie and enjoys physical attention. ]

Fine. You're right. I am just dumb. Half of it is I don't even know why it pisses me off so much. Think it's really just me being jealous?

[she is a weenie, but that's one of many reasons why Isa loves her.

Isa curls her fingers gratefully around Lea's, and rests her chin in her other hand.]

I think it's that I kept a big secret from you for almost nine years and it wasn't a good secret. And I think it's that you didn't really have anyone to spend time with for most of that, as a friend or otherwise, while I did. I should've been there for you and I wasn't.

Mmngh.

[ She doesn't know what to say, rubbing her forehead hard into her arm for a second before lifting her head and sliding down more into the seat. ]

So what do I do about it now? Since I'm the one with the problem.

You let me continue demonstrating just how much I love you—

[and she brings Lea's hand up so she can smooch it.]

—and unless our Xemnas shows up here, which I highly doubt she will, you don't worry about it. I assure you, the only comparisons I'm making involve whether I'm doing a good job.

[everyone present just imagined that subtle eyebrow wiggle. (Isa may have been spending too much time with Axel.) (this may also be an unconscious echo of how things were with Xemnas, which is probably not as healthy as it could be, but mostly means Lea gets showered in affection and sex, so who's complaining.)]

I don't think you need the ego padding, considering how you're perfect at everything you actually wanna do.

[ Well, and things she didn't want to do but was determined for. ]

Pff, that's a good one. Does being an asshole count for that?

[no really. all she ever wanted was to get her heart back, which ended up not being anything she had control over, and find their friend, which didn't work because Xemnas didn't know where he was either. and none of the things she turned out to be good at were things she wanted to be doing.]

Yes.

[ Big grin for that one. What, you were expecting a different answer? ]

If that's what it takes, anyway. Contrary to popular belief, I don't think that one comes naturally.

Mm, I don't know, I mean. Xigbar. Larxene.

[Riku, even. some people just tend to be assholes. it's not a bad thing, always, and some people overcome it, like Riku did. also don't mind Isa's adoring expression, she just really loves it when Lea does that grin.]

Okay fine, it doesn't come naturally to you. There, I said it. Are you happy now?

[ God, she tries not to be obscenely nice and gushing about her like she usually is, and this is what happens. Riku was totally an asshole kid, by the way. ]

No, but that's on me.

[i know she was, i've seen kh1. /uh. because the thread's stagnating a bit, and because Isa still wants punishment of some sort and is enough of an asshole to try and provoke someone into being mad at her, she's pulling out a topic that she may or may not have come to a realization about while chilling with Axel while everyone was gone. too bad for Lea, because like a cloud blocking the sun, Saïx is suddenly back full-force on Isa's face; the eyes are the only difference. her grip on Lea's hand tightens a bit, to keep her from fleeing ~~like she's so good at~~.]

Tell me, what would you do if I used the word "love" for how I felt about Xemnas?

[ Jerk her hand away is the answer, but she can't with Isa holding it. That was smart of her, and it bothers Lea that she had the foresight to do it. Her expressions flicker very rapidly, even though she tries to cover it up, even though she knows that it's pointless, and Isa will see all of them for what they are — shock, hurt, anger, walled. Just like that, she's cold fire again, closed for business, nails digging into Isa's skin. Is this a test? Are you testing her, Isa? ]

Why, you planning to?

Maybe. I had a lot of time to think, while you were gone. And she l— cared about me, with what little Heart she had, whether you believe it or not, of either of us. I would've known if it was insincere.

[absolutely this is a test, or it was meant to be. Isa raises her other hand and presses her fingertips against her scar, not in the usual way that she does when she's getting a headache, but gentler, like she's reassuring herself it's still there, and like it's important to her (it kind of is). Axel probably never got anything close to the full story about how it happened, and Isa's well aware she probably thinks it was done by force or something.

she lets go of Lea's hand after another couple of seconds, and Saïx slides back out of her expression like an afterthought, leaving her looking bereft and distracted. she played her trap card and then unfortunately sprung it herself; the memories are weighing heavily on her, suddenly, enough so that the reassuring followup i had to that dialogue isn't even occurring to her.]

Great.

[ The only time Lea's ever been good about keeping things under wraps was when she didn't have a Heart. Experience has made her better at hiding anger, but when it comes to feelings of hurt or betrayal they bubble right under the surface. The human equivalent of a pressure cooker with no way to let out steam. She doesn't have a response that won't stall in her throat, so she slides right out of the chair and into a stand, only grabbing the milk to put it back in the fridge. A very convenient task, because if she just leaves into another area of the apartment, like she wants to, she might not be able to resist parting with something truly nasty. ]

[this is so frustrating, she just wants Lea to understand the incredibly strong emotions that were involved, and that's probably never going to happen. there's a very good reason why Isa and ninxel got along so well almost instantly, especially after she was introduced to Hachibi: ]

There's nothing I can say about this that won't make you angry, or hate her even more, but I'm going to try anyway. I had a big crush on her from the start, and then she offered a piece of her own power so I could be stronger. I still have a piece of her in me, Lea, I can't just ignore what it did to me. Being physically close from that point was... necessary.

[if Lea hadn't already gathered, there, it's spelled out; when Isa got her scar is when it all started. like, that exact night. does it still sound like she was coerced? maybe. but she wasn't, which is probably more damning. and if it seems like Isa's fixating on this as a topic of conversation, it's because Xemnas was literally all she had for most of a decade. she explained all this to ninxel and he was like of course, the separate piece became part of you and you couldn't hate it for being there even if you wanted to, i understand completely.]

[ At some point in a couple hours one of them is going to pick up that carton of milk and find both the package deteriorating and the milk itself rancid. Lea is oblivious for now, turning around to look back at Isa with eyebrows raised, a disbelieving, tense, and overall unpleasant smile on her face. ]

Is that so? Well, at least you still know me better than her. You know, since you're saying all of this. Since you're telling me how I'm gonna feel. Must be hard with all that in your head and her too.

[ She is really, really, really upset, in a dangerous, explosive, and not completely healthy way. Her feelings are hurt, whether they should be or not. Her head feels warm and fuzzy, like it's hard to concentrate, like a buzz between her ears. Lea is suddenly aware that she needs to get the fuck out of here right now, and starts 'calmly' heading back around the table for the exit. ]

I can't imagine what you'd need me for, in that case.

[fortunately, this is Isa, who's grown as a person and can be a little more tactful when needed, and not Saix, who enjoyed being a bitter asshole to practically everyone around her. she's upset now too, but not so upset that she can't sort through and summarily discard all of the wrong things to say. "i see you're leaving, something you've always been good at." "this is exactly why we stopped being friends for a long time there." "my (27F) bff (27F) doesn't understand my weird persistent heart connection with our former boss, AITA?"]

You can leave if you want, but it won't change anything.

[okay, maybe not all of the wrong things.]

Fuck. That's... true, but I didn't need to say it like that, I'm sorry. Please don't go.

[the other option here was to get actually upset and gently go pseudo-berserk, but she's not feeling it and neither am i, and frankly it seems like Lea's doing it instead, for good reason.]

[ "Yeah fuck you too" is what she's thinking for the first part, but Isa continues before she has a chance to actually say it out loud. She does stop, at the point where the kitchen blends into the rest of the apartment, turning her head to look — no. She stops before she fully turns around, shoulders low but tense, head tilted down, eyes on the floor. ]

Why not? So you can dump more goods on me? What happened, you get so guilty over keeping secrets you needed to make me feel like—

[ Lea grits her teeth, wiggling the fingers of one hand like she's trying to grasp at something. ]

Forget it. How 'bout you go? You want Xemnas that bad, go find one.

[puzzling. Saix would've gone absolutely apeshit about five minutes ago, but Isa's just feeling sort of empty and sad. empty, for reasons that would piss Lea off more, and sad because this is what it keeps coming to, with them. all they're really good at is hurting each other, this proves it. the snippy retorts are still coming to mind so easily, too—"sure, i'll leave so you can cool off"—but instead of voicing them Isa just pushes her chair back and stands. nothing about this went the way she was hoping, but let's be honest, it was for pretty selfish reasons to begin with, so it's just as well it backfired on her. she's not hurt by Lea's words, because they're true and she deserves it, but...

if Lea's not looking at her, then she won't see that Isa's eyes are wet and her expression miserable as she turns silently and heads for the door, all the fight gone out of her like a deflated balloon.]

[ Oh, she's actually going. Well, fuck, that's not what she wants. Lea's surprised, and wants to stop her, but she's already so far overwhelmed by the heat and anger and hurt that she doesn't move. Let her go, then, since that's more important. Maybe she really will find a Xemnas and this will all be over just as suddenly as it started. It just pisses Lea off more that she's actually walking away, even if that's what she told her to do. ]

Tch. How about next time you just say what you want from the beginning.

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there's really no reason for this except curiosity and i do want to know the answer :eyes:

evil

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