moonstrualcycle | (no subject)

[that last has Isa bristling for a moment, but then she relaxes again, really processing what Lea's saying. a lot of that is about how she felt about Axel spending so much time with Roxas and Xion, but they both know Isa's feelings on that by now.]

Whether I was being manipulated or not, I'm not now, and I feel the same as I did then. It wasn't just about sex, or I—

[no, don't say it like that, or Lea might burn the building down. she might anyway, which would be okay, all things considered.]

I trusted her and what she did, at least when it came to myself. It was about grounding me and distracting me, at first, and then it was something familiar and comfortable, and.

[try as she might, she can't make herself actually look at Lea. she thinks she knows what the reaction will be, but she still can't get her eyes any higher than Lea's feet on the kitchen floor.]

I cared about her, whether you understand why or not.

[ Lea waits to hear Isa's whole response, looking sidelong at her, and then— ]

That's fine. 'Cause I don't.

[ —from above, too, as her hand lands on the table to support her weight as she stands to the side, gaze falling down under her nose to settle on Isa and her own inability to look. ]

You know I'm never going to buy it, right? Don't get me wrong— I believe you. But no matter what you think about it, no matter what it did for you, I'll never really feel happy about it. You could've come to me. You could've trusted me. We could've fucked if that's what you needed then. I don't care. You can't just seduce someone when you let their teenage heart get ripped out.

[in the past Isa would've gotten defensive, probably, but she's far enough removed from those days that she can see there's no point. she looks up at Lea, and mostly she just looks tired and resigned, but there might be a tiny bit of something like pity, which is something she can only have picked up from one person in her past.]

I did, and do trust you, but we were doing different things and spending time with different people. We grew apart and then I ruined it all even further. But it wasn't her fault we all lost our hearts originally, she didn't flood the castle with Heartless to attack us. And knowing that we all had partially regrown hearts for most of the last decade, I don't know why it's so impossible to you that Xemnas might have as well. All you can see even after knowing what was really going on, what the bigger threat was and the end goal, is that you hated her and that everyone else should too.

[ The look on Isa's face makes her flinch, and she straightens up, both arms at her side. She doesn't like that, at all, but it's hard to just get mad over it like she normally would. ]

So? Is that a problem for you?

[that makes her smile briefly, just a flicker of that mean one she had as a Nobody before it smooths into something a little more rueful.]

Was it a problem for you when I hated Roxas with every fiber of my being?

[which is a comparison that's been made before, and Lea didn't like it much then either, but it's a good comparison. eventually the depth of feeling Isa had (has? maybe, but does it matter, when the other person is gone?) for Xemnas is going to come out.]

That's not--

[ The same, she's going to say, but it's close enough. Voicing it would probably just make it look like she's in denial. She bites her tongue a little, then crashes into the seat with her arms folded, avoiding Isa's gaze aftet that look. ]

I mean, it's not like you have anything to worry about if she shows up.

No, because she and I had a calm and honest discussion about how I was wrong to treat her the way I did and that she'd be perfectly justified in hating me as much as I hated her. I offered myself as a punching bag, in fact.

[being punished for her crimes is high up on Isa's wishlist, if you haven't noticed.]

But I'm confused, it's not like you'd have anything to worry about if Xemnas happened to drop in here.

I don't, huh? Because this conversation's starting to make me think otherwise.

[ She's also being petty and jealous and snarky because she's mad, but she is starting to feel worried about it. If it was that major, wouldn't Xemnas still have at least a similar hold over Isa? ]

[not that Isa's aware of. she may still be mistaken about some of the actual motivations involved, but.]

I told you before, she's never done anything to hurt me. What, you think she'd show up and kidnap me? More importantly, do you think I'd let her?

You could put it like that.

[ Kidnapping? Nah, she's not worried about Xemnas taking Isa away from her by force. That's impossible, on multiple levels. She's worried about Isa choosing to leave. ]

Then you're dumber than I've ever previously thought.

[that fell out automatically, sorry; she didn't intend to be that awful at any point during this, and attempts to soften it by reaching across the table to lay her hand palm up, like Lea did ~~almost eight months ago~~ a few minutes ago.]

No matter how I feel or felt previously, I wouldn't leave you.

[she might try and negotiate having two girlfriends, but she wouldn't just run off and leave Lea like that. she's a little hurt Lea thinks there's any chance of it at all.]

[ Lea still isn't looking at her, and she's resting her chin on her arm, now folded across the back to the chair, so she's more twisted sideways. But she does move her hand onto Isa's, because she's a softie and weenie and enjoys physical attention. ]

Fine. You're right. I am just dumb. Half of it is I don't even know why it pisses me off so much. Think it's really just me being jealous?

[she is a weenie, but that's one of many reasons why Isa loves her.

Isa curls her fingers gratefully around Lea's, and rests her chin in her other hand.]

I think it's that I kept a big secret from you for almost nine years and it wasn't a good secret. And I think it's that you didn't really have anyone to spend time with for most of that, as a friend or otherwise, while I did. I should've been there for you and I wasn't.

Mmngh.

[ She doesn't know what to say, rubbing her forehead hard into her arm for a second before lifting her head and sliding down more into the seat. ]

So what do I do about it now? Since I'm the one with the problem.

You let me continue demonstrating just how much I love you—

[and she brings Lea's hand up so she can smooch it.]

—and unless our Xemnas shows up here, which I highly doubt she will, you don't worry about it. I assure you, the only comparisons I'm making involve whether I'm doing a good job.

[everyone present just imagined that subtle eyebrow wiggle. (Isa may have been spending too much time with Axel.) (this may also be an unconscious echo of how things were with Xemnas, which is probably not as healthy as it could be, but mostly means Lea gets showered in affection and sex, so who's complaining.)]

I don't think you need the ego padding, considering how you're perfect at everything you actually wanna do.

[ Well, and things she didn't want to do but was determined for. ]

Pff, that's a good one. Does being an asshole count for that?

[no really. all she ever wanted was to get her heart back, which ended up not being anything she had control over, and find their friend, which didn't work because Xemnas didn't know where he was either. and none of the things she turned out to be good at were things she wanted to be doing.]

Yes.

[ Big grin for that one. What, you were expecting a different answer? ]

If that's what it takes, anyway. Contrary to popular belief, I don't think that one comes naturally.

Mm, I don't know, I mean. Xigbar. Larxene.

[Riku, even. some people just tend to be assholes. it's not a bad thing, always, and some people overcome it, like Riku did. also don't mind Isa's adoring expression, she just really loves it when Lea does that grin.]

Okay fine, it doesn't come naturally to you. There, I said it. Are you happy now?

[ God, she tries not to be obscenely nice and gushing about her like she usually is, and this is what happens. Riku was totally an asshole kid, by the way. ]

No, but that's on me.

[i know she was, i've seen kh1. /uh. because the thread's stagnating a bit, and because Isa still wants punishment of some sort and is enough of an asshole to try and provoke someone into being mad at her, she's pulling out a topic that she may or may not have come to a realization about while chilling with Axel while everyone was gone. too bad for Lea, because like a cloud blocking the sun, Saïx is suddenly back full-force on Isa's face; the eyes are the only difference. her grip on Lea's hand tightens a bit, to keep her from fleeing ~~like she's so good at~~.]

Tell me, what would you do if I used the word "love" for how I felt about Xemnas?

[ Jerk her hand away is the answer, but she can't with Isa holding it. That was smart of her, and it bothers Lea that she had the foresight to do it. Her expressions flicker very rapidly, even though she tries to cover it up, even though she knows that it's pointless, and Isa will see all of them for what they are — shock, hurt, anger, walled. Just like that, she's cold fire again, closed for business, nails digging into Isa's skin. Is this a test? Are you testing her, Isa? ]

Why, you planning to?

Maybe. I had a lot of time to think, while you were gone. And she l— cared about me, with what little Heart she had, whether you believe it or not, of either of us. I would've known if it was insincere.

[absolutely this is a test, or it was meant to be. Isa raises her other hand and presses her fingertips against her scar, not in the usual way that she does when she's getting a headache, but gentler, like she's reassuring herself it's still there, and like it's important to her (it kind of is). Axel probably never got anything close to the full story about how it happened, and Isa's well aware she probably thinks it was done by force or something.

she lets go of Lea's hand after another couple of seconds, and Saïx slides back out of her expression like an afterthought, leaving her looking bereft and distracted. she played her trap card and then unfortunately sprung it herself; the memories are weighing heavily on her, suddenly, enough so that the reassuring followup i had to that dialogue isn't even occurring to her.]

Great.

[ The only time Lea's ever been good about keeping things under wraps was when she didn't have a Heart. Experience has made her better at hiding anger, but when it comes to feelings of hurt or betrayal they bubble right under the surface. The human equivalent of a pressure cooker with no way to let out steam. She doesn't have a response that won't stall in her throat, so she slides right out of the chair and into a stand, only grabbing the milk to put it back in the fridge. A very convenient task, because if she just leaves into another area of the apartment, like she wants to, she might not be able to resist parting with something truly nasty. ]

[this is so frustrating, she just wants Lea to understand the incredibly strong emotions that were involved, and that's probably never going to happen. there's a very good reason why Isa and ninxel got along so well almost instantly, especially after she was introduced to Hachibi: ]

There's nothing I can say about this that won't make you angry, or hate her even more, but I'm going to try anyway. I had a big crush on her from the start, and then she offered a piece of her own power so I could be stronger. I still have a piece of her in me, Lea, I can't just ignore what it did to me. Being physically close from that point was... necessary.

[if Lea hadn't already gathered, there, it's spelled out; when Isa got her scar is when it all started. like, that exact night. does it still sound like she was coerced? maybe. but she wasn't, which is probably more damning. and if it seems like Isa's fixating on this as a topic of conversation, it's because Xemnas was literally all she had for most of a decade. she explained all this to ninxel and he was like of course, the separate piece became part of you and you couldn't hate it for being there even if you wanted to, i understand completely.]

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there's really no reason for this except curiosity and i do want to know the answer :eyes:

evil

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