moonstrualcycle | (no subject)

First I've heard of that. What'd you say to her?

[ A beat. ]

Was it to get to Roxas?

I don't even know, what I said or why, it's all hazy. Who knows if any of it was even intelligible, it was coming out between berserk states. I just...

[she scrubs at her face with her free hand and huffs before looking fully at Lea, not through her hair or anything. hearts on the table.]

I was so full of hate and grief, at the end. I'd lost everything and everyone, largely due to my own actions, and she was the only target left. I was so tired.

[ Goddammit. Stop that. Her nature is to cheer people up. How does she do that here? ]

I'm not gonna tell you you didn't fuck up. We both did. But we're okay, all of us. Sora likes you now, so whatever you said must not've been that bad.

[ She's doing that thing where she rubs the back of her head. ]

You know, I thought this would be more you yelling at me than you... yelling at yourself so hard.

Surprise, my hidden talent was self-flagellation.

[honestly this goes deeper than Lea's probably aware of, from self-image to her own motives and methods at any given time. nearly all she does is doubt herself and how all the people around her feel about her. she's getting a little better about that last part, but. she still wants Lea to yell at her, come on, she definitely deserves it.]

[ Better than self-immolation, amirite. Isa needs to start a support group with Riku, for people who have endearingly optimistic friends who tell them that everything is okay, when they just want to be told no, they did the bad thing, and held responsible for it. Red helped Riku a lot through feelings crisises like that. ]

I don't know if I'd call it hidden. What did you want from this again?

I was sort of hoping it would be a chance for you to tell me how you really feel about some things we've discussed in the past.

[she'll provoke Lea into it if necessary, if she can. but yeah, down with optimism, plz just tell her about how dumb and stubborn and selfish she was and is.]

I feel like you already know how I feel about basically everything. Wanna get more specific?

[ Ah, goddammit. She doesn't want to do this. Time to down more chocolate milk. ]

[we're at an impasse then (haha), since Isa wants to be yelled at and Lea mostly doesn't do that. Isa sighs and finally lets go of Lea's hand so she can push both hands through her hair.]

I don't know. You got so angry over finding out I'd been with Xemnas, I figured there was some untapped reserve of things for you to get pissed at me about.

Well... You probably know everything I could've gotten pissed at you about without my input. You really want me to say it?

[ Yeah, that's what they're here for, but... it's kind of embarrassing? Plus this is her way of giving Isa an out. Does she really want Lea to go off on that? Also watch her dodge that first point. ]

I do, actually. I want to know how you feel about some of these things, not just that you were mad about them or didn't understand why I did them.

[i suppose Isa could still provoke Lea into it, but that's not ideal. she wants to know why Lea got so mad, now that they've also covered the fact that Isa wasn't being coerced into anything (that she knew of, anyway). is it just that Isa didn't tell her?]

[ She looks surprised, and then disappointed, and then averts her gaze off to the side somewhere, pushing away from the table to lean into her chair. Fine. This is supposed to be therapeutic, right? It's more for Isa than her, as far as Lea's concerned. How far does she want this to go? Lea wonders, does she just want to be told she did bad shit and it was unforgivable and let her stew in it and know in the end that Lea forgave her as soon as it happened? They're happy now, she doesn't get why Isa needs this. Moreover Lea feels inadequately prepared for it, so she gets up from the table, rubbing at her chin and mouth. Fine. She drops her posture to something more guarded, less casual energetic than her normal posture, and more into a lazy cat whose tail is flicking warningly. Guess the only way to do this is to go back to thinking about it, and how it— ]

What part do you want to hear? That I would've thought then and I still think now that you were being manipulated? That it would've made me sick to know what you were doing? Or that I was jealous? That I didn't get why you wouldn't just find me if that was all it was about?

[that last has Isa bristling for a moment, but then she relaxes again, really processing what Lea's saying. a lot of that is about how she felt about Axel spending so much time with Roxas and Xion, but they both know Isa's feelings on that by now.]

Whether I was being manipulated or not, I'm not now, and I feel the same as I did then. It wasn't just about sex, or I—

[no, don't say it like that, or Lea might burn the building down. she might anyway, which would be okay, all things considered.]

I trusted her and what she did, at least when it came to myself. It was about grounding me and distracting me, at first, and then it was something familiar and comfortable, and.

[try as she might, she can't make herself actually look at Lea. she thinks she knows what the reaction will be, but she still can't get her eyes any higher than Lea's feet on the kitchen floor.]

I cared about her, whether you understand why or not.

[ Lea waits to hear Isa's whole response, looking sidelong at her, and then— ]

That's fine. 'Cause I don't.

[ —from above, too, as her hand lands on the table to support her weight as she stands to the side, gaze falling down under her nose to settle on Isa and her own inability to look. ]

You know I'm never going to buy it, right? Don't get me wrong— I believe you. But no matter what you think about it, no matter what it did for you, I'll never really feel happy about it. You could've come to me. You could've trusted me. We could've fucked if that's what you needed then. I don't care. You can't just seduce someone when you let their teenage heart get ripped out.

[in the past Isa would've gotten defensive, probably, but she's far enough removed from those days that she can see there's no point. she looks up at Lea, and mostly she just looks tired and resigned, but there might be a tiny bit of something like pity, which is something she can only have picked up from one person in her past.]

I did, and do trust you, but we were doing different things and spending time with different people. We grew apart and then I ruined it all even further. But it wasn't her fault we all lost our hearts originally, she didn't flood the castle with Heartless to attack us. And knowing that we all had partially regrown hearts for most of the last decade, I don't know why it's so impossible to you that Xemnas might have as well. All you can see even after knowing what was really going on, what the bigger threat was and the end goal, is that you hated her and that everyone else should too.

[ The look on Isa's face makes her flinch, and she straightens up, both arms at her side. She doesn't like that, at all, but it's hard to just get mad over it like she normally would. ]

So? Is that a problem for you?

[that makes her smile briefly, just a flicker of that mean one she had as a Nobody before it smooths into something a little more rueful.]

Was it a problem for you when I hated Roxas with every fiber of my being?

[which is a comparison that's been made before, and Lea didn't like it much then either, but it's a good comparison. eventually the depth of feeling Isa had (has? maybe, but does it matter, when the other person is gone?) for Xemnas is going to come out.]

That's not--

[ The same, she's going to say, but it's close enough. Voicing it would probably just make it look like she's in denial. She bites her tongue a little, then crashes into the seat with her arms folded, avoiding Isa's gaze aftet that look. ]

I mean, it's not like you have anything to worry about if she shows up.

No, because she and I had a calm and honest discussion about how I was wrong to treat her the way I did and that she'd be perfectly justified in hating me as much as I hated her. I offered myself as a punching bag, in fact.

[being punished for her crimes is high up on Isa's wishlist, if you haven't noticed.]

But I'm confused, it's not like you'd have anything to worry about if Xemnas happened to drop in here.

I don't, huh? Because this conversation's starting to make me think otherwise.

[ She's also being petty and jealous and snarky because she's mad, but she is starting to feel worried about it. If it was that major, wouldn't Xemnas still have at least a similar hold over Isa? ]

[not that Isa's aware of. she may still be mistaken about some of the actual motivations involved, but.]

I told you before, she's never done anything to hurt me. What, you think she'd show up and kidnap me? More importantly, do you think I'd let her?

You could put it like that.

[ Kidnapping? Nah, she's not worried about Xemnas taking Isa away from her by force. That's impossible, on multiple levels. She's worried about Isa choosing to leave. ]

Then you're dumber than I've ever previously thought.

[that fell out automatically, sorry; she didn't intend to be that awful at any point during this, and attempts to soften it by reaching across the table to lay her hand palm up, like Lea did ~~almost eight months ago~~ a few minutes ago.]

No matter how I feel or felt previously, I wouldn't leave you.

[she might try and negotiate having two girlfriends, but she wouldn't just run off and leave Lea like that. she's a little hurt Lea thinks there's any chance of it at all.]

[ Lea still isn't looking at her, and she's resting her chin on her arm, now folded across the back to the chair, so she's more twisted sideways. But she does move her hand onto Isa's, because she's a softie and weenie and enjoys physical attention. ]

Fine. You're right. I am just dumb. Half of it is I don't even know why it pisses me off so much. Think it's really just me being jealous?

[she is a weenie, but that's one of many reasons why Isa loves her.

Isa curls her fingers gratefully around Lea's, and rests her chin in her other hand.]

I think it's that I kept a big secret from you for almost nine years and it wasn't a good secret. And I think it's that you didn't really have anyone to spend time with for most of that, as a friend or otherwise, while I did. I should've been there for you and I wasn't.

Mmngh.

[ She doesn't know what to say, rubbing her forehead hard into her arm for a second before lifting her head and sliding down more into the seat. ]

So what do I do about it now? Since I'm the one with the problem.