moonstrualcycle | (no subject)

[Isa shrugs and leans back in her chair a little.]

I think so. I don't know why she didn't just scoop everyone up in Radiant Garden, instead of just me and Braig. I'm glad she didn't, but I don't know why.

[things would've been very, very different if Lea had also been made into a Nobody again. Isa probably would've tried to just get herself and Lea out, at that point.]

[ That's actually a pretty good question, and it has Lea thinking about what she would have done in that situation. It never really occurred to her that they took Isa and Braig for any reason except... I don't know, seeming the most likely to go along with it? But that seems wrong too. ]

Search me. What happened, anyway? When you woke up, I mean. Did you get a choice in anything? Would it have mattered who they chose?

No. As far as I could tell she wanted me back because I'd been marked as a vessel from the start, and she knew I would at least pretend to be loyal. But I had no choice in it. I remember dying in the Impasse at Sora's hands, and then I woke up a Nobody in my own room in the castle being watched by Xemnas, Xigbar, and the younger Xehanort.

[she rubs absently at her scar, frowning into her pasta. tbh at least she had Xemnas, there.]

Think I just wasn't worth the trouble?

[ What a soothing thought to her soul. She would never have cooperated. Never. It would've been a constant struggle until she died again.

She's gonna reach across the table and lay her hand out, palm up. ]

[Isa puts her hand on Lea's, but there's a grim look on her face that's definitely directed at Lea.]

I know for a fact you weren't, too much of a loose cannon. But that reminds me, a few Dusks survived your... explosive end, and brought me the news.

Ah... Gonna yell at me about that for real this time?

[ She doesn't move her hand, because she doesn't feel bad about it in cany capacity. She feels guilty now, for Isa's experience, but... no regrets, you know? ]

[she shakes her head, but still looks displeased, haunted, even.]

There's no point, but I was so angry that you'd done something so idiotic. I appreciate it now, it allowed Sora access to the city and the castle. It still stung that you'd go that far for her after jumping ship for Roxas.

... Sorry. Again. You know it wasn't something I planned. I didn't see another way around it. Didn't feel like I had anything left anyway.

[ She lost her best friend, basically, and then got two more that disappeared, although she only remembered one. That hurt from Xion didn't go away, it just made Roxas worse. ]

I was angry at Sora, too, and said some pretty ugly things to her. It felt like she'd stolen you from me, even though I didn't have the right to claim you as mine by then, not by a long shot.

[everything was very bad there at the end and it was only partially her own fault. the rest was, ostensibly, Xehanort's fault.]

First I've heard of that. What'd you say to her?

[ A beat. ]

Was it to get to Roxas?

I don't even know, what I said or why, it's all hazy. Who knows if any of it was even intelligible, it was coming out between berserk states. I just...

[she scrubs at her face with her free hand and huffs before looking fully at Lea, not through her hair or anything. hearts on the table.]

I was so full of hate and grief, at the end. I'd lost everything and everyone, largely due to my own actions, and she was the only target left. I was so tired.

[ Goddammit. Stop that. Her nature is to cheer people up. How does she do that here? ]

I'm not gonna tell you you didn't fuck up. We both did. But we're okay, all of us. Sora likes you now, so whatever you said must not've been that bad.

[ She's doing that thing where she rubs the back of her head. ]

You know, I thought this would be more you yelling at me than you... yelling at yourself so hard.

Surprise, my hidden talent was self-flagellation.

[honestly this goes deeper than Lea's probably aware of, from self-image to her own motives and methods at any given time. nearly all she does is doubt herself and how all the people around her feel about her. she's getting a little better about that last part, but. she still wants Lea to yell at her, come on, she definitely deserves it.]

[ Better than self-immolation, amirite. Isa needs to start a support group with Riku, for people who have endearingly optimistic friends who tell them that everything is okay, when they just want to be told no, they did the bad thing, and held responsible for it. Red helped Riku a lot through feelings crisises like that. ]

I don't know if I'd call it hidden. What did you want from this again?

I was sort of hoping it would be a chance for you to tell me how you really feel about some things we've discussed in the past.

[she'll provoke Lea into it if necessary, if she can. but yeah, down with optimism, plz just tell her about how dumb and stubborn and selfish she was and is.]

I feel like you already know how I feel about basically everything. Wanna get more specific?

[ Ah, goddammit. She doesn't want to do this. Time to down more chocolate milk. ]

[we're at an impasse then (haha), since Isa wants to be yelled at and Lea mostly doesn't do that. Isa sighs and finally lets go of Lea's hand so she can push both hands through her hair.]

I don't know. You got so angry over finding out I'd been with Xemnas, I figured there was some untapped reserve of things for you to get pissed at me about.

Well... You probably know everything I could've gotten pissed at you about without my input. You really want me to say it?

[ Yeah, that's what they're here for, but... it's kind of embarrassing? Plus this is her way of giving Isa an out. Does she really want Lea to go off on that? Also watch her dodge that first point. ]

I do, actually. I want to know how you feel about some of these things, not just that you were mad about them or didn't understand why I did them.

[i suppose Isa could still provoke Lea into it, but that's not ideal. she wants to know why Lea got so mad, now that they've also covered the fact that Isa wasn't being coerced into anything (that she knew of, anyway). is it just that Isa didn't tell her?]

[ She looks surprised, and then disappointed, and then averts her gaze off to the side somewhere, pushing away from the table to lean into her chair. Fine. This is supposed to be therapeutic, right? It's more for Isa than her, as far as Lea's concerned. How far does she want this to go? Lea wonders, does she just want to be told she did bad shit and it was unforgivable and let her stew in it and know in the end that Lea forgave her as soon as it happened? They're happy now, she doesn't get why Isa needs this. Moreover Lea feels inadequately prepared for it, so she gets up from the table, rubbing at her chin and mouth. Fine. She drops her posture to something more guarded, less casual energetic than her normal posture, and more into a lazy cat whose tail is flicking warningly. Guess the only way to do this is to go back to thinking about it, and how it— ]

What part do you want to hear? That I would've thought then and I still think now that you were being manipulated? That it would've made me sick to know what you were doing? Or that I was jealous? That I didn't get why you wouldn't just find me if that was all it was about?

[that last has Isa bristling for a moment, but then she relaxes again, really processing what Lea's saying. a lot of that is about how she felt about Axel spending so much time with Roxas and Xion, but they both know Isa's feelings on that by now.]

Whether I was being manipulated or not, I'm not now, and I feel the same as I did then. It wasn't just about sex, or I—

[no, don't say it like that, or Lea might burn the building down. she might anyway, which would be okay, all things considered.]

I trusted her and what she did, at least when it came to myself. It was about grounding me and distracting me, at first, and then it was something familiar and comfortable, and.

[try as she might, she can't make herself actually look at Lea. she thinks she knows what the reaction will be, but she still can't get her eyes any higher than Lea's feet on the kitchen floor.]

I cared about her, whether you understand why or not.

[ Lea waits to hear Isa's whole response, looking sidelong at her, and then— ]

That's fine. 'Cause I don't.

[ —from above, too, as her hand lands on the table to support her weight as she stands to the side, gaze falling down under her nose to settle on Isa and her own inability to look. ]

You know I'm never going to buy it, right? Don't get me wrong— I believe you. But no matter what you think about it, no matter what it did for you, I'll never really feel happy about it. You could've come to me. You could've trusted me. We could've fucked if that's what you needed then. I don't care. You can't just seduce someone when you let their teenage heart get ripped out.

[in the past Isa would've gotten defensive, probably, but she's far enough removed from those days that she can see there's no point. she looks up at Lea, and mostly she just looks tired and resigned, but there might be a tiny bit of something like pity, which is something she can only have picked up from one person in her past.]

I did, and do trust you, but we were doing different things and spending time with different people. We grew apart and then I ruined it all even further. But it wasn't her fault we all lost our hearts originally, she didn't flood the castle with Heartless to attack us. And knowing that we all had partially regrown hearts for most of the last decade, I don't know why it's so impossible to you that Xemnas might have as well. All you can see even after knowing what was really going on, what the bigger threat was and the end goal, is that you hated her and that everyone else should too.

[ The look on Isa's face makes her flinch, and she straightens up, both arms at her side. She doesn't like that, at all, but it's hard to just get mad over it like she normally would. ]

So? Is that a problem for you?

[that makes her smile briefly, just a flicker of that mean one she had as a Nobody before it smooths into something a little more rueful.]

Was it a problem for you when I hated Roxas with every fiber of my being?

[which is a comparison that's been made before, and Lea didn't like it much then either, but it's a good comparison. eventually the depth of feeling Isa had (has? maybe, but does it matter, when the other person is gone?) for Xemnas is going to come out.]