moonstrualcycle | (no subject)

I always thought it was my charming personality.

[ She grins widely, moving some pasta around with her fork. ]

Or, y'know, punishment. Especially with Larxene. Sometimes I wonder how things would've been with Marly if he hadn't shown up. Far as a coup goes, anyway.

Less horrible, anyway. They were together when I dreamed about them, you know. It threw me when it was only Marluxia at first.

[were they holding keyblades in her dream? they were holding something, maybe, mostly she was aware of their faces and their surroundings. she certainly wasn't privy to the information that they had some sort of connection to keyblades, along with Demyx and Luxord, if that was even true anyway.]

Right. At least it didn't take us long to find Tweedle Dumbass.

[ She can't wait to find out how this shit factors in or whatever. This is a lie, she could easily go the rest of her life with none of this being answered if it meant the bullshit ended. RIP to the Org but she's different. ]

[i mean it basically HAS ended, she'd be more than happy, if they ever go back again, to tell everyone else to fuck off and deal with it themselves re: Xigbar and whoever else. the kids can even go help as long as they promise not to get killed.]

I couldn't believe it when they were brought back for the new Organization. But Xehanort had full control, if she wanted, so I suppose whether they wanted to be there or not was irrelevant.

What was the goal there? Bringing those guys back? Bringing Demyx back. Was it just the numbers?

[ Like, they contributed nothing except to be defeated and trigger some final boss nonsense. ]

[Isa shrugs and leans back in her chair a little.]

I think so. I don't know why she didn't just scoop everyone up in Radiant Garden, instead of just me and Braig. I'm glad she didn't, but I don't know why.

[things would've been very, very different if Lea had also been made into a Nobody again. Isa probably would've tried to just get herself and Lea out, at that point.]

[ That's actually a pretty good question, and it has Lea thinking about what she would have done in that situation. It never really occurred to her that they took Isa and Braig for any reason except... I don't know, seeming the most likely to go along with it? But that seems wrong too. ]

Search me. What happened, anyway? When you woke up, I mean. Did you get a choice in anything? Would it have mattered who they chose?

No. As far as I could tell she wanted me back because I'd been marked as a vessel from the start, and she knew I would at least pretend to be loyal. But I had no choice in it. I remember dying in the Impasse at Sora's hands, and then I woke up a Nobody in my own room in the castle being watched by Xemnas, Xigbar, and the younger Xehanort.

[she rubs absently at her scar, frowning into her pasta. tbh at least she had Xemnas, there.]

Think I just wasn't worth the trouble?

[ What a soothing thought to her soul. She would never have cooperated. Never. It would've been a constant struggle until she died again.

She's gonna reach across the table and lay her hand out, palm up. ]

[Isa puts her hand on Lea's, but there's a grim look on her face that's definitely directed at Lea.]

I know for a fact you weren't, too much of a loose cannon. But that reminds me, a few Dusks survived your... explosive end, and brought me the news.

Ah... Gonna yell at me about that for real this time?

[ She doesn't move her hand, because she doesn't feel bad about it in cany capacity. She feels guilty now, for Isa's experience, but... no regrets, you know? ]

[she shakes her head, but still looks displeased, haunted, even.]

There's no point, but I was so angry that you'd done something so idiotic. I appreciate it now, it allowed Sora access to the city and the castle. It still stung that you'd go that far for her after jumping ship for Roxas.

... Sorry. Again. You know it wasn't something I planned. I didn't see another way around it. Didn't feel like I had anything left anyway.

[ She lost her best friend, basically, and then got two more that disappeared, although she only remembered one. That hurt from Xion didn't go away, it just made Roxas worse. ]

I was angry at Sora, too, and said some pretty ugly things to her. It felt like she'd stolen you from me, even though I didn't have the right to claim you as mine by then, not by a long shot.

[everything was very bad there at the end and it was only partially her own fault. the rest was, ostensibly, Xehanort's fault.]

First I've heard of that. What'd you say to her?

[ A beat. ]

Was it to get to Roxas?

I don't even know, what I said or why, it's all hazy. Who knows if any of it was even intelligible, it was coming out between berserk states. I just...

[she scrubs at her face with her free hand and huffs before looking fully at Lea, not through her hair or anything. hearts on the table.]

I was so full of hate and grief, at the end. I'd lost everything and everyone, largely due to my own actions, and she was the only target left. I was so tired.

[ Goddammit. Stop that. Her nature is to cheer people up. How does she do that here? ]

I'm not gonna tell you you didn't fuck up. We both did. But we're okay, all of us. Sora likes you now, so whatever you said must not've been that bad.

[ She's doing that thing where she rubs the back of her head. ]

You know, I thought this would be more you yelling at me than you... yelling at yourself so hard.

Surprise, my hidden talent was self-flagellation.

[honestly this goes deeper than Lea's probably aware of, from self-image to her own motives and methods at any given time. nearly all she does is doubt herself and how all the people around her feel about her. she's getting a little better about that last part, but. she still wants Lea to yell at her, come on, she definitely deserves it.]

[ Better than self-immolation, amirite. Isa needs to start a support group with Riku, for people who have endearingly optimistic friends who tell them that everything is okay, when they just want to be told no, they did the bad thing, and held responsible for it. Red helped Riku a lot through feelings crisises like that. ]

I don't know if I'd call it hidden. What did you want from this again?

I was sort of hoping it would be a chance for you to tell me how you really feel about some things we've discussed in the past.

[she'll provoke Lea into it if necessary, if she can. but yeah, down with optimism, plz just tell her about how dumb and stubborn and selfish she was and is.]

I feel like you already know how I feel about basically everything. Wanna get more specific?

[ Ah, goddammit. She doesn't want to do this. Time to down more chocolate milk. ]

[we're at an impasse then (haha), since Isa wants to be yelled at and Lea mostly doesn't do that. Isa sighs and finally lets go of Lea's hand so she can push both hands through her hair.]

I don't know. You got so angry over finding out I'd been with Xemnas, I figured there was some untapped reserve of things for you to get pissed at me about.

Well... You probably know everything I could've gotten pissed at you about without my input. You really want me to say it?

[ Yeah, that's what they're here for, but... it's kind of embarrassing? Plus this is her way of giving Isa an out. Does she really want Lea to go off on that? Also watch her dodge that first point. ]

I do, actually. I want to know how you feel about some of these things, not just that you were mad about them or didn't understand why I did them.

[i suppose Isa could still provoke Lea into it, but that's not ideal. she wants to know why Lea got so mad, now that they've also covered the fact that Isa wasn't being coerced into anything (that she knew of, anyway). is it just that Isa didn't tell her?]

[ She looks surprised, and then disappointed, and then averts her gaze off to the side somewhere, pushing away from the table to lean into her chair. Fine. This is supposed to be therapeutic, right? It's more for Isa than her, as far as Lea's concerned. How far does she want this to go? Lea wonders, does she just want to be told she did bad shit and it was unforgivable and let her stew in it and know in the end that Lea forgave her as soon as it happened? They're happy now, she doesn't get why Isa needs this. Moreover Lea feels inadequately prepared for it, so she gets up from the table, rubbing at her chin and mouth. Fine. She drops her posture to something more guarded, less casual energetic than her normal posture, and more into a lazy cat whose tail is flicking warningly. Guess the only way to do this is to go back to thinking about it, and how it— ]

What part do you want to hear? That I would've thought then and I still think now that you were being manipulated? That it would've made me sick to know what you were doing? Or that I was jealous? That I didn't get why you wouldn't just find me if that was all it was about?